But You Broke Me
by BonesBird
Summary: Hotch in the aftermath of "100" - Undoubtedly been done a lot, mostly by me  what can I say, I like writing it


**Title: But You Broke Me  
Summary: Hotch in the aftermath of "100" - Undoubtedly been done a lot, mostly by me (what can I say, I like writing it)  
Lyrics: Broken Strings - James Morrison ft Nelly Furtado  
**

**Another scene that's missing. Dedicated to the wonderful Sheila. Who will, no doubt, be delighted to know that I'm planning a H/H multichap based on letters. (its better than it sounds)**

**Today my drama groups' production of Avenue Q opened at a local school. It went amazingly. I'm Kate (for people who don't know) and its taken a lot of support to get me there. So this is for Pat, who reminded me I can do it, and to Sheila, Layla, Tish and Dana for always giving me helpful tips. Love you guys so much. At the time of posting this I'm just a little bit drunk. So, apologies for the insanely long AN.**

**_

* * *

Let me hold you_**  
**_For the last time_**  
**_It's the last chance to feel again_**

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her body towards him, feeling his heart break with every second, and once again he woke up. Sweating, on the verge of tears. He couldn't face these memories again. He wanted to think about her in the happy times. Not times after Foyet had ravaged his life. He never wanted to think about the time after again.

_**But you broke me**_  
_**Now I can't feel anything**_  
_**When I love you**_  
_**It's so untrue**_

He looked down to the small body curled up in the bed beside him. His son was getting him through this. Jack was hurting as badly as he was. At 4 years old he had lost his mom, and had to depend on a father, who until that point had been, at best, absent. The sudden upheaval had no doubt affected Jack, and would, undoubtedly continue to affect him.

_**I can't even convince myself**_  
_**When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else**_

The upheaval had affected Hotch himself. He could hardly focus on anything, and the week compassionate leave he had off wasn't helping nearly as much as he thought it would do He hadn't yet thought about what he would do after the funeral, whether he would leave the BAU to provide more stability for his son. He knew that Jack needed that.

_**Oh what are we doing**_  
_**We are turning into dust**_  
_**Playing house in the ruins of us**_

But he needed the support of his team. They were his other family. The family that he had chosen, and trained, to be what they were. He learnt from them as much as they learnt from him, and however much he had tried to avoid it, he had become personally attached to them all. He hid so much of himself from them, but in the aftermath they had all learnt so much about him.

_**Running back through the fire**_  
_**When there's nothing left to save**_

All he needed now was to say goodbye to Haley in a dignified way, with his family, and Jack's new family, around him. They gave him more strength than he'd ever tell them. He needed there support, and he needed their understanding for what he did in that room. What he'd done to Foyet. But he needed their support most of all in what he was facing. Single fatherhood.

_**It's like chasing the very last train**_  
_**When we both know it's too late**_

He barely knew Jack. How was he to know what was best for his son for the rest of his childhood. How was he to raise a responsible young man when all he had left in his heart was pain. All that was left of him was ruins and the broken heart of a man who made too many bad choices. He hadn't made a wrong choice, but he had made bad ones.

_**Whoa it tears me up**_  
_**I try to hold on but it hurts too much**_  
_**I try to forgive but it's not enough**_  
_**To make it all OK**_

So no matter what was left in his life now, he was forever a broken man. He was left to play with a broken instrument, something that he was never going to recover from. He couldn't move on from Haley. She had been the love of his life, they'd been together for 20 years. There were such things as soul mates, that much he knew. He also knew that he'd lost his, in Haley.

_**You can't play on broken strings**_  
_**You can't feel anything**_

He knew that he couldn't do this broken. He needed to try to mend himself, as best he could do. The promise that he'd made to Haley was keeping him going. He wanted Jack to grow up to be amazing, a fantastically, beautiful boy, who could, and would, become an amazingly upstanding member of society. Who knew if he'd chase bad guys like his dad.

_**That your heart don't want to feel**_  
_**I can't tell you something that ain't real**_

So maybe it was time to admit the truth to himself. He wasn't sure who or what he was without Haley Hotchner nee Brooks. He would never know what his "real" life would be like. The life he could have led had he stayed a prosecutor and not moved to active enforcement. Would he and Haley have more kids. Would he have all the physical scars of his job.

_**Oh the truth hurts**_  
_**A lies worse**_

**Haley's death was his fault. He wasn't going to deny that. He wasn't entirely sure he COULD deny that. Jack having no mom was his fault. So he wouldn't let his son go fatherless. If he had to be less reckless, trust his team more he would do. Because the last thing he wanted was for his son to have to have buried both his parents. He was broken. But maybe Jack could help him fix himself.**

_**I can't like it anymore**_  
_**Had I loved you a little less than before**_


End file.
